a rollar coaster ride of a night

Today I felt like life played a joke on me.

After 8 weeks of relentlessly searching for a new place to move into, today I arrived at my new home with all my boxes in tow only to find out the guys occupying my room hadn’t finished moving out. Their shit was everywhere. And there was no way they would be able to move out tonight. I was pissed. And I thought fark, I don’t know how much more I can take.

I hate being in limbo. I hate not having a home. What the hell is wrong with me. I kept thinking … Why can’t I get my shit together. Why can’t I grow up?! …

Not feeling grown up enough
Have you ever felt like that? … Like how can you be your current age (whatever that may be) and still not have your shit together? I remember being 25 and working in corporate and saying to my friend “I feel like I’m pretending to be an adult”.

And now, years later I think I’m still pretending cos I’m still so naive when it comes to certain things. I can be so organised in some areas (ie. my photo shoots) and so disorganised in other areas. I wonder if I’ll ever get the balance right? I wonder if I’ll ever start caring about myself enough to start planning my ilfe.

What I mean is … I wonder if I’ll ever stop living day by day to start planning for my future. I feel like I have been rebelling against something for so long (only God knows what) and now … maybe I should start thinking about what I really want in life and start organising myself better.

These were all the thoughts that were going through my head on the train. I was beating myself up. And then something mysteriously strange happened …

As I was walking through my friends apartment building (yes I had to go back and stay with my friend tonight) a lady ran after me and said “Excuse me did you lose your wallet?”

It totally took me by surprise.

I lost my wallet last Thursday (4 days ago!!). It was my favourite wallet and took me about 2 years to find . When I lost my wallet I didn’t care about what was inside it. I just thought shit, I just lost something I really loved.

I gave the girl who found my wallet about 3 big hugs. I was emotional from the ‘not being able to move in’ incident and I was grateful that my wallet found me. And it just made me think, shit (sorry I’m using this four letter word a lot tonight!) … things happen for a reason.

Not being able to predict what’s good for me
Maybe I wasn’t meant to move into my new flat tonight because I was meant to find the wallet I lost and love so dearly. Maybe this was just another lesson to not take myself or life so seriously and to just trust, that life is always giving me what I’m asking for even though it doesn’t feel like it.

The end result is … I’m rather confused. Emotional. Tried. And somewhat grateful that I don’t always know what’s best.

I took the above picture when they guys were loading the van with all my stuff. I thought it was good bye to one chapter and hello to a new one. The lessons life wants to teach us can be so unpredictable!

ps. If you see my blog looking a bit bare, it’s because I’m trying to move house : (

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9 Responses to “a rollar coaster ride of a night”
  1. Leigh Ashton says:

    We create everything that happens in our lives by our actions and non actions. There are also unexplained things that happen.
    You will move home…and move again…and one day you’ll find the place that feels like home and stay.
    It will happen when the time is right…let it come to you.
    Visualise what you really want and take action towards your goals.
    You are talented in so many ways so go with the flow 🙂
    Sending you a massive virtual hug.

    • thaoski says:

      Leigh I like the sound of that … “one day you’ll find a place that feels like home and stay” … you know I have never felt that way before but I certainly would like to! Thanks for the virtual hug – ur always so good to me! XXXX

  2. Oh my gosh I can totally relate to that feeling of frustration, hopelessness, and the overwhelming exhaustion!! And it must have been such a relief and surprise to have your wallet returned, especially when you felt the night was a total loss. But you’re right, that reinforces the belief to me, that everything happens for a reason, and despite feeling like you might be “off the path” you’re most definitely going in the right direction. The time will come when you’re ready to settle down, but I don’t think we’ll ever quite feel like we’ve grown up. So why not enjoy the opposite. Enjoy your youth, the unpredictability and the spontaneity, because really, that’s what life’s about. What will be, will be, whether or not we can predict it, so just roll with it!! (At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. One day I’ll too stop moving…maybe)

    Hope you’re feeling better!! Thanks so much for sharing this.
    ~ Katie x

  3. Humaira says:

    Just when you give up, life throws one massive surprise you weren’t expecting your way, so yes embrace the changes coming your way. I think all of us in our 20s sometimes feel like we’re pretending to be adults and that’s OK. No-one says there’s a set age you need to “become” an adult. The whole point we have 20s and 30s is to find ourselves so by the time we get into our 40s and 50s, we’ve got a clear idea of who we are and what we stand for.

  4. I think we have all felt like this one time or the other , trust that all will sort itself out, life has a strange way to lead us where we are meant to be…I am glad you found your beloved wallet and I hope today you have managed to move into your new place and have your new beginning. Enjoy! 🙂 x

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  1. […] inspired me into exhaustion. I spent Sunday in bed. Monday I tried to move into my new place (which didn’t work out and I was quite upset about it). Tuesday I was still traumatised by Monday. Wednesday I had food […]

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