a rollar coaster ride of a night
Today I felt like life played a joke on me.
After 8 weeks of relentlessly searching for a new place to move into, today I arrived at my new home with all my boxes in tow only to find out the guys occupying my room hadn’t finished moving out. Their shit was everywhere. And there was no way they would be able to move out tonight. I was pissed. And I thought fark, I don’t know how much more I can take.
I hate being in limbo. I hate not having a home. What the hell is wrong with me. I kept thinking … Why can’t I get my shit together. Why can’t I grow up?! …
Not feeling grown up enough
Have you ever felt like that? … Like how can you be your current age (whatever that may be) and still not have your shit together? I remember being 25 and working in corporate and saying to my friend “I feel like I’m pretending to be an adult”.
And now, years later I think I’m still pretending cos I’m still so naive when it comes to certain things. I can be so organised in some areas (ie. my photo shoots) and so disorganised in other areas. I wonder if I’ll ever get the balance right? I wonder if I’ll ever start caring about myself enough to start planning my ilfe.
What I mean is … I wonder if I’ll ever stop living day by day to start planning for my future. I feel like I have been rebelling against something for so long (only God knows what) and now … maybe I should start thinking about what I really want in life and start organising myself better.
These were all the thoughts that were going through my head on the train. I was beating myself up. And then something mysteriously strange happened …
As I was walking through my friends apartment building (yes I had to go back and stay with my friend tonight) a lady ran after me and said “Excuse me did you lose your wallet?”
It totally took me by surprise.
I lost my wallet last Thursday (4 days ago!!). It was my favourite wallet and took me about 2 years to find . When I lost my wallet I didn’t care about what was inside it. I just thought shit, I just lost something I really loved.
I gave the girl who found my wallet about 3 big hugs. I was emotional from the ‘not being able to move in’ incident and I was grateful that my wallet found me. And it just made me think, shit (sorry I’m using this four letter word a lot tonight!) … things happen for a reason.
Not being able to predict what’s good for me
Maybe I wasn’t meant to move into my new flat tonight because I was meant to find the wallet I lost and love so dearly. Maybe this was just another lesson to not take myself or life so seriously and to just trust, that life is always giving me what I’m asking for even though it doesn’t feel like it.
The end result is … I’m rather confused. Emotional. Tried. And somewhat grateful that I don’t always know what’s best.
I took the above picture when they guys were loading the van with all my stuff. I thought it was good bye to one chapter and hello to a new one. The lessons life wants to teach us can be so unpredictable!
ps. If you see my blog looking a bit bare, it’s because I’m trying to move house : (