new years eve. lots of simmering thoughts
It’s 1am on the 31st December 2010 and technically new years eve.
I’m having trouble writing this last blog. I have too many thoughts going through my head, most simmering and not yet ready to be served.
So I’m going to ramble. And see if anything worthwhile comes up.
This time last year …
2010 was a year I was very much afraid of. 2009 was such a shit shit shit shit year for me. It challenged me in soo many ways and my confidence really got a beating. So much so, I remember in the lead up to 2010 I was scared shitless. Truly frightened. Broken. When the clock stroke midnight I thought … “if 2010 is going to be anything like 2009, I don’t want it”.
I walked into 2010 with a “I can’t do this anymore attitude”. I felt trapped, challenged and hopeless without any direction. I entered 2010 in transition and hated the unknown.
A year later, I’m still in transition (but a different kind … I still need to find a home) and yet this year my attitude is so different. The transition phase feels so different.
Good old K-West does it again 🙂
A couple of weeks ago I read my friend’s blog on transitions. At the time it annoyed me because she was so positive about being in the unknown and I was going through a miserable “why am I in this mess” moment. But she asked me a question I won’t forget … it was something along the lines of …
“When have you been in transition and something unexpected and great happened?”
(ok they are definitely not her words but you get the drift)
My answer at the time was a blunt “no, never, can’t think of anything”. But deep down I knew her question had merit and I knew I wasn’t in the space or mindset to answer it. So over the last 2 weeks my brain has been simmering on that question, trying to find the answer.
Yesterday it popped! I was on one of my “take time out to reflect on your life” trips … and the answer was so obvious it made me laugh.
So to ask and answer the question again …
“When have I been in transition and something unexpected and great happened?”
I was in transition through most of 2009 and the great and unexpected thing that happened was thaoski. The art directing, photographic storytelling and this blog. All of it. No way in my wildest dreams could I have and would I have even dreamt of doing photo shoots. No way could have planned myself to write a blog the way I am today.
There were so many great things that came out of 2010 that could not have been planned because I wasn’t at the consciousness or awareness to plan it. Everything happened and grew organically and today those things I could not have dreamed up … have become what brings me light, joy and happiness.
Another memory just came to mind …
I remember sitting with Anne in February 2010 at Darren Eden’s workshop and telling her how scared I was of what the rest of the year would bring. She said something to me that also lingered … she said something along the lines of “life will only transition you at a rate you can handle and you’ve got to trust that it’s moving at the right speed”. I really didn’t understand her at the time but I knew it was something worth remembering.
Hmmmm …. thoughts still simmering.
On that note, I’m entering 2011 with lots of open unknowness and a sense of freedom. Let the universe deliver me that which I do not yet know I will love.
ps. I chose a picture of a whale for this blog because as each year passes, the universe continues to surprise me with the unknown.